I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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