no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
