It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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