capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
