Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
