i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
