You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
