i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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