I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
