i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
