So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
