I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize