She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
