I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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