I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
