I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
