come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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