i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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