im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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