Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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