I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
