You smell like a Billy Joel song
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
