I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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