I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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