So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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