There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
