oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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