i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
