i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
