I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
