Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
