I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
