Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
