I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
