I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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