I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
