I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
