i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
