Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
