I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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