I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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