"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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