***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
