this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
