Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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