I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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