My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize