I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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