"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
