That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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