dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
