I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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