she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
This house was built for laser tag.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
