he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
