textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
