Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
