apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
