I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
