Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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