Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
